Two Weeks From Today

Rules of the Chinese Expressway

1. Everyone must have a nickname. Everyone. No, you will not get to pick. Instead, any given nickname will be handed down to you by the cooks, and you must live up to it.

2. Our small department is very supportive of the "not-it" methodology when it comes to deciding who takes on the next customer.

3. Any co-worker found being the cause of falling objects on the ground while "Sweeping " is in progress will be subjected to sudden death.

4. Spilling rice in the Seasame/Sweet 'N Sour Chicken is punishable by verbal abuse from "the big guy".

5. If you are injured on the job in any form of way, insert a glove into injured area and get back to work. Bandaids by request.

6. Getting phone calls on line 91 and 92 are okay to answer. Anything from 93 and above is a complaint-- never answer.

7. If a phone call is received and you can't figure out what they're saying, it's for Dong.

8. First person (in the 5 o'clock shift) in the building decides all fates of the latter arriving person.

9. The new guy must be given as much work to do as possible, even if it is not humane. He/She also bears the title, "newbie".

10. When the kitchen says they want dishes in early/earlier, just bring them in at the same time you always have. You won't get in any trouble.

11. If you mess up the cash register and must call shift manager, always find a scapegoat to actually call them, and then blame them for the accident.

12. If Dong spells your name in a different way, that doesn't mean he's wrong. It's just your new name. See Rule #1.

13. If a slow day occurs, you are required to fool around, despite the anger that arises in the shift managers. Just goof off where no customers/shift managers can see you.

14. If a busy day occurs, call in every shift manager and every kitchen/produce worker you know, just to see them argue amongst themselves.

15. Be careful of your choice of words when you say "Can I help you, sir/maam?" when infact, you may have misused their gender. You will then be ridiculed with "You pulled a Kelly!"

16. You if see potential customers approaching, quickly act busy doing something important so you won't have to get them.

17. If a customer takes more than ten seconds to figure out what they want or have a list in their hands, call over your fellow co-worker to immediately assist.

18. Get used to smelling like onions the rest of your life.

19. If you see an old man with a crazy hat on holding a $0.49 bottle for drinks, rush in immedately to help him; he is the best customer you will ever serve. His name is Charlie Brown.

20. Remember, there is an 'I' in Chinese, and it will be used to the full extent of the law.

21. Customers are more afraid of you than you are of them-- you're the one holding their dinner.

22. Daily money bets using fortune cookies is a definite must.

23. Nightly chugging contests are nice and legal-- as long as no one else sees you doing it.

24. Ragball is always fun, too.

25. And finally, wait to make fun of the customer AFTER they leave.